004 – 30, flirty and thriving
Pre turning 30 thoughts (yesss, I am posting this late)
Those of you that know me well, know I love my birthday. So every year I get excited as it approaches. But another feeling arises as it approaches too – a melancholic, reflective feeling.
Where does that come from? One may ask.
Well, put it this way.
I celebrated my 26th birthday with my husband on the 19th September, and came back to the UK on the 21st, not knowing what the future had to bring. I landed here in a total mess.
I wasn’t sure what the future would bring once I got home and quite frankly, I didn’t want to know either. I didn’t want to be here. I was in a lot of pain.
But this blog post isn’t about that pain.
So back to that melancholic, reflective feeling.
Well, it comes back every year as my birthday approaches. Memories of Paolo occupy my thoughts. Memories of the next two birthdays after that, feeling so shit and so lonely. And the reflective part? Well, it becomes me measuring myself up now against those past memories.
This year would have been my fourth wedding anniversary, and I still have the lingering presence of Italy from the time of our relationship. It’s so close to my heart – the food, the language, the culture, the community. Italians remind me of Indians in a lot of ways.
I will reconnect with that part of myself though.. in my 30s for sure.
So that burning question arises:
Who am I now compared to that 26-year-old that came home?
Well, I’m still her. She’s still me.
But we’ve grown a lot in that time. Before I recap, I think it’s important to say that even though I report some tough stuff, there’s also some major teachings too.
26
This birthday marked the beginning of a huge period of change.
I ended my marriage and came home, and the life I knew turned upside down.
Grieving, depressed and anxious, lonely with a huge HUGE fear of being seen. So far to the point, I actually changed my wardrobe to the most drab ‘not noticeable’ colours for the few moments I was out in public. Very inward – mostly only saw family and very close friends.
Being immersed in my mamas house for eight months meant that we healed our relationship – a big, big turning point for both of us.
27
27th – Surviving. In no way thriving.
I spent my birthday in Belgium .. Big mistake. Lovely to see familiar faces, but wayyyy too raw.
To gain some stability in the UK, I got my old job back, moved back into my old house.
Though things had changed and I was having more fun, I went around the same loops, patterns and habits and found it extremely hard to integrate new self into old world. So naturally, old self led. I felt like I’d taken 10 steps back.
I felt the most lonely I’ve ever felt in my life, even though I was around people who loved me. On the surface I seemed fine, I wasn’t , underneath I was screaming.
It was a strange year. And on reflection, the suffering was necessary, to encourage The Opening…
28 – The Opening
The year I packed up, moved to Congleton, quit my job and completely recalibrated.
I’d made a huge move in the right direction, so there was some excitement, and the loneliness lingered on, but it became more comfortable to sit with. Perhaps because there was an inner knowing that I was walking down a better aligned path.
I titled this year The Opening, as I was finally trying to direct life from my heart centre.
It was the changeover year.
I was a total deer in headlights, trying lots of new things, getting things wrong, learning how to let go of perfectionism and actually get shit done after living the life of a serial planner.
7 months later, I moved back to Manchester, becoming homeless and living in turmoil for a hot sec.
29 – The Expansion
The year shit started to get REAL!
I found a home just before my 29th birthday, got settled, began to listen to the whispers of my heart – much quicker than I ever had before – and finally unravelled living in periods of overwhelm.
I learned about how I wanted to do my business rather than how everyone else was doing their own.
29 has also been the year where I’ve finally leaned into my inner leader.
Where I’m no longer afraid to share my authentic voice. The year I became comfortable with taking up space, using my voice and being SEEN.
It’s the year that I reconnected with my party and social self – realising that I have so many more identities than just one.
I can be a conscious babe and also a conscious raver.
I can be a self-love practitioner and still have FUN with my life.
There’s so much I’d love to say and share about what’s happened to me in this last year. I honestly don’t think there’s a document big enough, and I don’t want to bore you.
There are so many small, ‘boring’ details, if you like – but each one is so significant to me.
And then there’s Saturn.
Under all of this, my Saturn Return has been quietly sitting in the background, giving me a framework for understanding what the fuck has been going on.
I felt the energy of my Saturn Return early… almost as if my 26th birthday was the initiation.
27 was so hard because I think I was working directly against it.
And 28? Well, I’d shuffled down the balance scale a bit more by that point.
Saturn Return is when Saturn returns to the same position it occupied in your birth chart – roughly every 29 years.
The woo-woo part of me is sold on astrology, planetary positions and Human Design. I’ve been getting to know my own blueprint for some time now, but that’s another story for another day.
As 30 approaches, there’s no fear, sadness, disappointment or worry. There’s a genuine sense of excitement – an open-armed hug, waiting for whatever my 30’s will bring to me.
So, what are my biggest lessons from 29?
- There’s no rush in becoming. Things are meant to happen in its time. Force will push it in a different direction
- I don’t need to abandon parts of myself because I’ve grown.
- I am not responsible for other people’s disappointment.
- Help is always there. You just need to lean on it.
- We overcomplicate our time tenfold. Get a grip and get some shit in the diary.
- Sex, my womb & my body are sacred. Take your time.
- Trusting uncertainty will bring you so much more in life than forcing certainty.
- Two things can exist in tandem.
- Fuck being cool. WTF is cool anyway, and who defined it?
- My people will find me.
- I CAN DO SLOW – even in a fast-paced city.
- Rigidity doesn’t serve me. There’s so much beauty in space and flow.
- I don’t need to perform or mould myself to fit who I think I should be. Authenticity is more important than being impressive.
This list doesn’t even touch the sides, but you get the idea. So much has happened over a 4 year period.
I guess we can all relate to that feeling sometimes.
For me, it’s looking on it and feeling so proud that even though the journey has been rocky and not straight forward, the progress is real. I’ve learnt how to be more myself.
That’s what I’m taking into the next decade.
I’m turning 30 with open arms – for all its sweetness, bliss, joy, challenges and lessons.
And as you all know, I love my birthday so much I drag it out like a mofo.
This year won’t be any different.
30, FLIRTY & THRIVING, here I come.
Lots of love,
Tyla xxxxx
